Tabloid Dramatisation: A Load of Tosh

"You know what Lionel? I think I might call it a day..."

There are the most ridiculous rumours circling at the moment, especially with regard to the future of some managers, and it really makes you stop and think: who on earth thinks the printing of such nonsense is a good idea? Yes, the Premier League season is over and the British press obviously needs to do something to occupy themselves over the Summer, and making up ridiculous rumours is pretty much their fallback for times like this when the news may have slowed.

But a couple of rumours that I heard in particular annoyed me. Firstly, I heard the absolutely insane suggestion that some newspapers had reported that Pep Guardiola, fresh from his first season in management, during which he won the treble (the freaking treble) with Barcelona, may be considering retirement. I just have to say that I cannot even begin to comprehend the absolute inane stupidity of that suggestion.

Yes, we all know of the old cliches that you should “quit while you’re ahead” or “bow out at the top”, but this is ridiculous. There is an argument that Guardiola can hardly hope to surpass this season’s achievements in the rest of his managerial career, but hell he’s going to try! He’s inspired what is arguably one of the greatest domestic sides ever seen to a famous treble and people genuinely think that it’s worth printing a story that he may step down? I’m pretty sure that even the most gullible people in the world will struggle to swallow that one.

Next up, are the suggestions doing the rounds that Owen Coyle, the man who has taken Burnley up to the Premier League via the playoffs, could be off to Celtic. Now of course, Coyle as a Scotsman may indeed harbour ambitions to manage Celtic one day, but I think I am right in saying that that day does not come so soon after he has reached the Premier League.

Because yes, Celtic are a bigger club than Burnley and offer him the chance to manage in Europe. But overall, the quality of the Scottish League is far lower than the Premier League, which is the best league in the world at present. So while there is a slight shred of plausibility about this one, I think we really need to take a step back and ask ourselves why these rumours are being given the time of day.

I just think that it is pretty sad that we cannot go even a few days without the emergence of some sort of wild rumour. It’s like being back at school, with gossip flying around the playground. I know that these newspapers are in the business of sales, but I fail to believe that someone is gonna pick a paper up off a newstand, flick through and see the headline “Guardiola to retire” or “Coyle to Celtic” and think “you know, there’s something in that, I’ll buy this paper”.

Surely even the most desperate football fan, in the very depths of the off season when he is completely starved of any sort of news of signings or any real, worthwhile goings on in the world of football would instead think “what a load of crap, with that sort of desperate journalism, I’m sure no one will ever by this paper”. I think what frustrates me the most is that here we are, facing a barren, football-less period, and all I have to look forward to are these ridiculous absurd rumours all summer.

That’s not a great prospect. I’m not saying that I’ll be able to come up with something better, and though I usually post new articles daily on my site I’m expecting to struggle to maintain that over the off-season. I’ve accepted that, and though it’s disappointing, I don’t think I’m going to have to resort to fabricating wild speculation to fill in the void.

Just imagine how the fans of the two clubs involved feel. Barcelona’s fans, if any of them are yet sober enough to be able to read, will look at the paper and (assuming that they’re gullible enough to believe it, which they almost certainly aren’t, but it’s just to make a point) be devastated at the thought that Guardiola, their hero, the man who has brought them such a stunning season, could be about to slip away just as suddenly as he stepped in to their club.

Likewise Burnley fans (assuming a similar suspension of disbelief with regard to their IQs) would be appalled to find that the man who has led them into the promised land that is Premier League football could be jumping ship to go and compete in a two horse race. Surely, they’ll think, he should have at least one go at the Premier League that he fought so hard to reach.

And of course he should, just as Guardiola will attempt to defend his titles next season. This sort of ridiculous rumour-mongering sums up everything that is wrong with the British press. They don’t care who they insult, who they undermine and who they fool, as long as there could be a bit of shock value in it, they’ll report it. But it’s supposed to be about delivering news or at least (as in my case) educated opinions. The mere fabrication of implausible lies is devaluing the entire industry and frustrating a lot of fans.

If I were you this summer, I’d steer clear from these types of stories as there’s nothing except comedic value in them. It is going to be a long and barren summer in terms of football, but I think that in turning to the tabloids out of desperation you will only make it worse for yourself.

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